Lorelai's Girl & The Bag Boy From The Market
by Gitana
Summary: A reflection on Dean and Rory's first time, their history and mistakes.


Lorelai's Girl & The Bag Boy From The Market

**By**: Gitana  
**Pairing**: Rory and Dean  
**Disclaimer**: Everything belongs to Amy Sherman-Palladino, Daniel Palladino and Warner Brothers.  
**Timeline/Spoilers**: Season 5; 5.01 "Say Goodbye To Daisy Miller" Spoilers: from 1.01 to 5.01  
**Rating**: PG13 [Edited Nov. 2010]  
**Summary**: A reflection on Dean and Rory's first time, their history, mistakes and good moments from both their POV's.

* * *

It was like life had just begun.  
Like being born right that second and they already had to go.

They were both scared. Rory felt the ends of her short haircut brushing her neck and the top of her shoulders every few seconds. Dean ran his hands through all the ways Rory had changed since they first met.

As kids, Rory and Dean didn't think about sex. They first thought about it when Lorelai feared they were sleeping together, when they had to defend their relationship's purity after falling asleep by accident.

It was an innocence that lasted for years. They lollopped back and forth from saying goodbye to kissing good morning – for years they didn't need anything else.

She should be panicking. She always thought she would panic.

Dean was nervous about everything. She smiled back. He knows that smile. He created that smile.

Rory remembered the first kisses, how she could feel his mouth for days orbiting around her face, ghostly kisses wet from her dreams.

Dean looked at Rory; it felt like he was dreaming again. He wouldn't have been surprised to suddenly wake up without Rory, without having ever touched her again for the rest of his life.

_Nobody should love anybody so much that they can't breathe. It's too painful even when it's right, when it's perfect; it's unbearable when it's wrong and when it's over. Nobody should want anybody this much._

Rory often dreamt of Dean going to her dorm to bring her another bookcase that would never fit in her room. Instead of fighting with him about college, she'd try to apologize yet again. She would get close to him and try to read his body language._ Is he too married for this? Would he choose me?_ She spent hours fixing her mistakes in her head, being jealous of Lindsay and anyone who could freely walk up to him at any time, in the broad daylight with everyone looking and listening. She thought how if she could, she'd go back, climb the window to his room and never leave. Every day she would find a new way to let him know how much she loved him. Every day she would do something to make him happy again, like she used to make him when she adored him and thought she had "made him up inside her head."

The last time she kissed him it was sad and he didn't shave yet. The last time she clung to him Dean was skinny and slipping away. Rory grabbed his face. "I can't believe you're so grown up."

Dean laughed loudly.

"I think the same whenever I look at you. I love your short hair," he said as he played with a strand of brown and red hair. "I'm a little sad you don't look like when I first met you."

"I'm not a little girl anymore."

"Certainly not…" Dean said earnestly, touching her face.

"You were always tall, but all of a sudden you became a man. When did that happen?"

Dean knew the answer and Rory knew the answer. They kept quiet as a soft kiss unburdened the silence.

She had lived through so many big, small, cute, heartbreaking, important, bittersweet moments with Dean that Rory somehow saw him as the gate to all things. She thought about how much she had missed by letting him go. She missed watching him change into an adult day by day. She missed experiencing the feel of his mouth as he began shaving; his graduation; the prom; the dress she would have worn; the song they would have danced to; the moment he picked her up at her house; the rock star tux he would have picked out; his eyes flashing under the lights; the picture they never took to keep forever; the wet stamp of her little girl kisses on his neck as they debated whether to wait a little longer; the imprint of her fingers holding on to his arm as they said goodbye at the airport before her trip to Europe; the silly proud faces he would have made when she was accepted to Harvard, Princeton and Yale; the keeping of her promise to find a way to see each other while they went to college; the desperate weekends to catch up on their separate lives; the places he would have taken her; the things he would have taught her, do and built for her. She missed his voice getting even lower, his hair longer, shielding his eyes to her life with someone else. Happiness and young love – she missed it all.

He missed her. Dean hated Stars Hollow; every corner and street, every tree and patch of sky. He cursed Chicago for letting him go, for not holding on to him, for not warning him. He hated himself for falling, for not protecting his heart.

It only lasted a few days; he gave up hatred and took up crying. The Foresters wouldn't look at him, afraid he'd hate them too for knowing, for being there, witness to his humiliation.

They could not get it back. The time lost was lost.

All he ever wanted was to hear those words coming from her mouth, rolling off her tongue, finding the way through her teeth. He never wanted anything else but those words to be true. He knew when they were true. Had it not been for Lorelai's voice coming from the living room, running inside unexpected and dangerous, he would've fallen asleep next to Rory. He would have slept peacefully with one arm draped over her like when he fell asleep reading to her, and she fell asleep admiring him, in love to the bones with him.


End file.
